


Finding  A Way Forward

by Small_Hobbit



Series: A New Start [1]
Category: Spooks | MI-5
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2015-12-19
Packaged: 2018-05-07 17:09:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5464388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Small_Hobbit/pseuds/Small_Hobbit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Following his return from Russia Lucas North is sent for de-briefing. This is at the same place Adam Carter, who has suffered life changing injuries, but has not been killed, is recovering.  Lucas is not physically injured, but the mental scars run deep and his rehabilitation is not going to be easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Falling

**Author's Note:**

> Very many thanks to Vix Spes for cheering me on with this.

Lucas North had to admit the way he had behaved had hardly been the most sensible in the circumstances. He didn’t even want to think about the reasons for it, but now he was condemned out of his own mouth.

With Adam Carter out of action due to his injuries, Ros Myers was acting as temporary section leader for Section D. In that capacity she had thanked Lucas for his assistance, but had said he still needed to take some time off to allow for proper de-briefing.

Lucas had responded by shouting he hadn’t lived through so much just to be sidelined once he finally made it home. He couldn’t remember exactly what he had called Ros, but he recalled all too clearly the way she had stood up and stared icily at him, before saying, “I believe you have proved my point.”

He would have stormed out of the hub and away from the building if he hadn’t felt Malcolm put a hand on his back and say, “Come on! There’s a room booked for you. I’ll drive you there myself.”

Numbly Lucas had let Malcolm guide him to his car, where he had slumped into the passenger seat, the fight gone from him. Malcolm drove silently, for which Lucas was grateful; he had no wish to either discuss how he felt or engage in meaningless conversation designed to ignore the situation. Instead he looked out of the window and tried to forget what had happened.

Finally they reached a large red brick building on the edge of Richmond Park. They were obviously expected – as Malcolm drove into the courtyard the main door opened and an older woman came out, accompanied by two thick-set men.

Lucas watched as Malcolm got out of the car and shook hands with the woman. Then one of the men opened the passenger door and Lucas moved further into the car, trying hard not to hyperventilate.

The man took a step back. “It’s okay, mate,” he said. “Take your time.”

Lucas looked round wildly, convinced the second man had gone to open the driver’s door. He was still standing with the woman, who came over to address him.

“Welcome, Mr North,” she said. “My name is Emily Saunders and I’m in charge of the programme here.” She didn’t actually say Officer in Charge, but Lucas had the feeling that was what she meant. “Don’t worry, these men aren’t guards, although I should warn you if you do decide to run one of them will follow you.”

Lucas swallowed and tried to concentrate on his breathing.

Saunders continued, “They won’t force you to return, but I don’t want you wandering around the park by yourself at the moment.”

Lucas nodded and slowly climbed out of the car.

Saunders smiled. “Good. Jason will show you to your room.” She obviously noted Lucas’ continued hesitation, because she added, “If you like, Mr Wynn-Jones can go with you and then if you notice there’s anything else you want he can arrange to get it for you.”

Jason led the way down a long corridor and then opened the door. Lucas had been expecting a standard hotel type room, but this one at least had some character, with the walls painted pale green, rather than magnolia or white. He found a bag on the bed and had a quick look through it. Someone had clearly gone out and bought him some new clothing: t-shirts, jeans, underwear, socks. He wondered what had happened to the contents of his old flat; probably still in storage somewhere.

“Have you got everything you need for now?” Malcolm asked.

“Yes,” Lucas replied, “well, actually ...”

“Go on.”

“I had a book of William Blake poems. I don’t suppose ...”

“I’ll see what I can find and get something sent over for you.”

“Thank you.”

Jason showed Malcolm back to the main entrance, leaving Lucas to unpack. Lucas tried not to shudder as he heard the door lock behind him. Logically he knew the catch was on his side of the door and he could cross the room and open it whenever he wanted. Yet part of him feared if he were to try it he would find the door didn’t open.

He was sitting on the bed when he heard someone knock on the door. He shook and once again tried to control his breathing.

The voice outside called, “It’s Jason, Mr North. Can I come in?”

Lucas didn’t bother replying, knowing it was futile to resist.

The door was unlocked and Jason stepped inside. “I was just coming by to tell you dinner is at six and the dining room is at the end of this corridor and turn left.”

Lucas nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

“Would it help if the door was left slightly ajar?” Jason continued. He pushed the catch on the lock to keep it open and then produced some cardboard from his pocket, which he folded and then forced under the door to wedge it slightly open.

“Is that better?” he asked.

“Yes, thank you. I’m sorry!”

“Hey, no worries. A couple of other things: the phone will connect you to reception at any time, day or night. We don’t do room service, but if you’ve got any problems, feel unwell or whatever, phone up. And there’s no need to feel embarrassed, we’ve seen most things here in our time. Also, these are for you.” Jason produced a pack of coloured chalks out of his other trouser pocket. “Feel free to write whatever you like on there.” He pointed to a blackboard on one wall.

“I was wondering what that was for.”

“At one point they had white boards, but they found it was difficult getting the marker ink out. Chalk’s much easier to wash off. Sometimes the old ways are the best.”

Jason smiled and Lucas gave a small smile back.

“Thank you. My name’s Lucas. Do you have to call me Mr North?”

“Nope, whatever you’re more comfortable with.”

“I’d prefer Lucas.”

“Then Lucas it shall be.”

***

The dining room again turned out to be quite pleasant. Lucas had taken his tray with a plateful of shepherd’s pie and vegetables and sat at a table by himself. After a few minutes the second man who had been present when he arrived came over carrying his own tray.

“May I join you?” he asked.

Lucas nodded. He was still unused to people employing the standard courtesies. He assumed they would ignore him even if he said he wished to be alone. He waited for the other man to begin talking to him; asking him how he was settling in. Instead, once he had introduced himself as Gary, the man took out his book and began reading, while slowly eating his food. Lucas, who would normally have shovelled his dinner into his mouth as fast as possible, found himself slowing down and enjoying the taste of the food.

Gary finished and looked up. “I can recommend the jam roly poly.”

Lucas smiled. “That sounds good.” He began to stand up.

“Stay there,” Gary said. “I’ll take the trays and bring the puddings back.”

When Gary returned Lucas thanked him and then cast around for something further to say. He didn’t want to antagonise someone who was being friendly and yet at the same time he had no wish to share his own feelings.

Gary clearly realised what was going through Lucas’ mind, because he said, “Any chance you’re a Six Nations rugby fan?”

“I used to watch some of the matches, but I’m rather out of touch now.”

Gary saw this as the perfect opportunity to bring Lucas up to date and chatted about England’s prospects in the coming matches, telling him about some of the new players in the team. Which meant by the time they’d finished the meal Lucas felt both well-fed and more relaxed than he had since before his arrival at the facility.

On his return to his room Lucas switched the television on and unpacked the clothing which he’d been given. He decided he should draw something on the blackboard. He thought and then drew the shepherd’s pie and the roly poly pudding. If they were going to use the drawings to psychoanalyse him he might as well give them something to think about.

Reluctantly he admitted he was feeling tired and got ready for bed. The bed was comfortable, which was a good start. He switched the light off and lay staring upwards. The curtains did an excellent job of cutting off the outside lights. It was too dark and he could feel the panic rising. He got out of bed and opened the curtains slightly to allow a little of the light through. It was better, but there was no way he could sleep in the bed. He imagined himself having to explain the bed was too comfortable as he got up again, wrapped himself in the duvet and lay down on the floor.

***

When Lucas woke in the early hours of the morning he realised there was someone sitting in the armchair.

Alarmed he called out, “What’s going on?”

“It’s okay,” the other replied, “We could hear you screaming and thought it better if someone sat in with you.”

“You _have_ been watching me!” Lucas felt the dread in his stomach.

“No, mate! You’d wedged your door open which was why we could hear you.”

“Oh, sorry!”

“No need to apologise. You’re not the first and you won’t be the last. Actually, you seem to have been quieter since I’ve been in here.”

“Yeah, I’m finding it difficult sleeping by myself. Too many times I’d be woken in the night and then ...” Lucas tailed off, trying not to remember.

“Yeah. Shall I leave you now?”

“Actually, would you mind ..?”

“Not at all. I’ll happily stay.”

“You’re welcome to the bed.” Lucas smiled wryly – the other man would probably find it easier to sleep in than he did.

“Don’t think that would go down well with the powers that be. The chair’ll be fine for me.”

“As you wish.”

“I’d offer you a radio, but I’m not sure it would help. Is there anything you would like for the future?”

“Music might help.”

“Any preference?”

“Classical. I like the cello.”

“We’ll get something sorted for you for tomorrow. In the meantime, you’ll have to make do with my snoring.”

Lucas chuckled, pulled the duvet up to his ears and fell asleep much quicker than he expected.

***

The following morning Emily Saunders spoke to Lucas at breakfast. “I need to go through some paperwork with you. It’s up to you where we do it: my office, your room, the dining room, out in the garden (it’s mild enough to sit outside), whatever you wish.”

Lucas looked at her. “How about London Zoo?”

“That’s fine by me, so long as we can find somewhere to sit. Although maybe it would be better to have our meeting here somewhere and you have a trip to the zoo with your supervisor (that is whoever’s debriefing you), or Gary.”

Saunders looked at Lucas. He felt she should be triumphant at having called his bluff, but her expression didn’t show it. Suddenly he realised he hadn’t chosen the zoo randomly.

“Are you serious about me going to the zoo?” he asked.

“Entirely. How about tomorrow after lunch? You can decide who goes with you then.”

Lucas smiled. “Thank you. But if it’s still possible I would like our meeting to be outside.”

“That’s fine. Ten o’clock in the walled garden. Anyone can direct you there.”

Saunders stood up and left Lucas to finish his breakfast.

***

As Lucas walked into the walled garden he realised his mistake. By its nature there was one entrance, which Jason was sitting near and a bolted gate at the other end. It would be possible to make his escape via the gate, but the delay in pulling the three bolts would be sufficient for reinforcements to be brought in. Saunders smiled when she saw him walk in and indicated a garden bench. She was sitting on a wooden chair in front of a table; she clearly frequently met with ‘inmates’ in the garden.

Lucas sat down and the questioning began: _Your name, can you just confirm your name?_

Lucas couldn’t take it anymore; he’d been caught by their friendliness, the oldest trick in the book, and he’d fallen for it. He had to get away, had to get away.

He could feel firm arms holding him in place and a voice saying, “Breathe with me, in and out, in and out.” At first he tried to do the opposite, but in the end he gave in. His breathing was slowly returning to normal. Someone was trying to make him drink. “It’s okay, it’s only water.” He took a sip, no longer caring what it was, and then a longer drink. He realised Jason was holding him, but it wasn’t a restraint, more that of a parent holding a terrified child. Lucas felt utterly defeated, knowing he’d lost everything.

“My trip to the zoo,” he whimpered.

“Will happen tomorrow exactly as planned,” a brisk voice answered. “I’ll send two people with you just in case it’s needed.”

Jason supported him back to his room and helped him into bed. Lucas fumbled around wondering whether he’d be better off on the floor, but Jason said, “Get used to sleeping in a bed during the day, then you’ll find it easier at night time.”

Lucas lay down and saw Jason settle into the armchair and open his book, before he closed his eyes and let the exhaustion take over.

***

In the afternoon Gary showed him round to the back of the building where the grass led down to a small pond, with a clump of trees on the other side of the pond. He told him his supervisor would be with him in a few minutes. Shortly afterwards a ward orderly pushed a man in a wheelchair towards him and Lucas realised it was Adam.

“Hi!” Adam said. “Did they tell you I was going to be responsible for your debriefing?”

“No, they didn’t.” Lucas was surprised. “But if you do my debrief it means we can never work together again.” It felt like a real blow – he’d assumed once debriefed he’d be allowed back to Section D.

“Well, they’re not going to let me back on active service,” Adam said indicating his leg.

“I’m sorry, they didn’t say.”

“They may not have known. It could be worse – it’s been taken off below the knee.”

“Shit!”

“Anyway the Powers That Be thought it would be good for us both if I did your debrief.”

“Right!”

“You don’t sound too happy about it.”

“To be honest, I’m not sure what I think about this whole debrief thing.”

“We’ll just make it up as we go along.”

Lucas grunted.

“Here! Malcolm sent this for you.” Adam passed a book over.

Lucas took the book and started to flip through the pages. Then he slowed down and began to look at the illustrated plates. “It’s lovely,” he said. He continued to look through the book, then turned back to the front page to see written _Lucas, Best wishes, Malcolm_.

“Oh, that was very kind of him. I’ll text him to thank him.”

The two men sat in silence until the orderly came to take Adam back.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Adam said.

“Yeah!”

Lucas took the book to his room and settled into the armchair to read some of the Blake poems. He was totally engrossed until Gary knocked on the door and called through the gap, “Are you coming to dinner, Lucas?”

After dinner Lucas went to join some of the other residents, who were watching the old Bond movie, _A View to a Kill_. Everyone knew the film and Lucas spent an entertaining couple of hours joining in as they all shouted at the screen.

When he returned to his room he found not only a CD player with a specially compiled CD of cello music, but also a thin camping mattress laid out on the floor. He had the best sleep he’d had since returning to England.

***

The following morning Jason showed him round the rest of the building. There was a swimming pool and a well-equipped gym. Jason explained although the majority of those who used the gym had suffered physical injuries, there were plenty of opportunities for everyone.

The trip to the zoo was a great success. Gary drove and then pushed Adam round in his wheelchair. Lucas darted from animal to animal, talking animatedly, revelling in all the variety and colours, which had been missing from his life for so long. It wasn’t until he heard Gary checking on Adam that Lucas realised how long they’d been there. Adam looked exhausted, but he assured Lucas he was fine.

***

The following morning Jason took Lucas to the gym. The instructor looked at him. “This is the young man who’s having trouble following instructions, especially when they are to his benefit?” he asked.

Lucas could feel himself tensing, although he knew to a certain extent it was true. The previous night he’d lain awake for a while, refusing to switch his music back on, until someone had come into his room, muttered, “Stupid bugger,” put the CD back on and Lucas had then promptly fallen asleep.

The instructor continued, “Right, walk across this bar and don’t step down onto the mat, or you’ll be eaten by crocodiles.”

Lucas began, looked back to confirm Jason was watching, seeking reassurance, and then sensed it was another trap. _Do what we tell you and it will be better for you._ The panic rose and he fell.

From the floor he looked up to see the instructor glaring at him. “Am I a crocodile?” he asked.

“Yes, sir!” Lucas replied very quietly.

“And how do you know that? Is it the sharp pointed teeth, the black beady eyes or the long green snout?”

Lucas raised his arms about his head to try to deflect the blow. “I don’t know.”

The instructor sighed. “I’ve never had anyone fall off this before. Come on, let’s get you back up there.”

Lucas felt himself being physically lifted up and stood back on the gym bench. It was a foot wide and less than a foot above the ground.

“Give me your hand,” the instructor said, and without waiting for a response took Lucas’ left hand. Jason came over and took the right one. Holding both their hands Lucas walked along the bench and got down.

“Right. We’ll just walk you back and we’ll call it a day for today,” the instructor said.

Lucas walked the length of the bench clinging firmly to both men’s hands as he did so. He was distraught; it seemed as if the walls were falling in on him.

***

In the afternoon he met Adam in the grassed area at the back of the building.

“I hear there was a problem this morning,” Adam began.

“Of course you did,” Lucas answered. “And now you want to poke your nose in and fucking analyse what happened. But you don’t care. You’re like all of them – taking charge, telling me what to do, never leaving me alone, always asking questions I don’t know the answers to.”

Lucas leapt up and took off towards the trees at the far side of the pond. Once there he sat with his back to one of the trees, put his head in his hands and wept. His world had finally crashed completely.

After a while he realised Emily Saunders was standing by him.

“Have a drink,” she said, passing Lucas a bottle of water.

“I suppose you’ve come to tell me I’ve failed and have to leave,” Lucas said.

“No. I’ve come to say you seem much better when you have an outing to look forward to. So, where would you like to go tomorrow?”

Lucas thought briefly and blurted out the first thing which came into his mind. “The Isle of Wight.”

“That might take a little longer to organise,” Saunders said.

Lucas wasn’t sure whether to feel pleased he’d finally defeated her or disappointed he’d be unable to go to his chosen destination.

“I’ll need to look at the rota,” she continued. “Next weekend should be possible. I’ll have to find someone who can support Adam Carter.”

“He won’t want to come.” If nothing else, Lucas was sure of this.

“I think you may well find you’re mistaken. You can ask him tomorrow. And, in the meantime, where would you like to go then?”

Lucas gave the request some serious thought. He wanted to choose something he’d like but also be easy for Saunders to arrange. “I’d like a proper afternoon tea.”

“A cream tea?”

“No. Tea with sandwiches and little cakes. But not at a posh hotel, a proper tea shop.”

“My assistant will enjoy arranging that for you. Although I shall no doubt have to refuse her suggestion she try the location out first.”

Lucas gave Saunders a small smile.

“And one last thing, Lucas,” she added. “Two days ago you would have been pleased if I told you to leave, today you seemed upset at the thought. It might be worth you thinking about.”

Saunders walked away and Lucas remained by the tree, drinking his water. His world might have collapsed, but at least it seemed there were people who were going to help him sweep up the pieces.

 


	2. Sweeping Up The Pieces

Lucas went back to the gym the next day. He was nervous after what had happened previously, but Jason reassured him he’d be okay. There was a different instructor present, who encouraged Lucas to work on various floor exercises. Seeing Lucas was inclined to rush through everything, the instructor took him to join a small group who were concentrating on rebuilding their muscles following a period of enforced bed rest. He explained that although Lucas was fit enough, the exercises they were doing would give him greater mental control over his body.

After their break the group were planning on going swimming in the pool next to the gym. The group leader asked Lucas if he would like to join them.

“No!” Lucas replied. “I can’t.”

“That doesn’t matter,” one of the others said. “It’s not that deep. Even Shorty can stand on the bottom without getting his hair wet.”

“Oy, I’m not that short!”

Lucas took a deep breath, feeling the familiar sensations of panic starting to rise. He tried to practise one of the muscle control exercises he had just learnt and blurted out “I’m frightened.”

“You can use a buoyancy aid,” the group leader said. “They use them for marines and such who’ve been injured in boating accidents. We can borrow one.”

Jason had wandered over to stand just behind the group. “Tell you what,” he said, “why don’t you go and watch them today and join them next time?”

Lucas nodded, feeling the tension leave.

“Good idea,” Shorty said. “We go swimming three times a week, so you can join us whenever you like.”

***

In the afternoon, Lucas waited nervously by the car. He wasn’t sure whether Adam would be the one who went with him, after the angry words he’d shouted at him the day before. He desperately wanted it to be Adam, although he had no idea what he would say. A couple of times he’d heard the sound of wheels on the gravel and had looked up hopefully, only to be disappointed at seeing other patients. And then he saw Gary pushing Adam towards him and he smiled.

“Sorry to have kept you waiting,” Adam said cheerfully. “The ward sister was insistent I had to wear gloves and I didn't have any with me.”

“You found some?” Lucas asked.

“Lent him mine,” Gary replied.

Adam took the gloves off and returned them to their rightful owner.

Gary put them on and said, “I’ll nip off and get you a pair while you’re having your tea. I’m not getting into an argument with that sister if I take you back and you’re not wearing any.”

It wasn’t far to the tea shop where Saunders’ assistant had booked a corner table for them. Gary pushed Adam to the table and then left them to it, saying he’d have a cup of tea with them before they went back.

The waitress brought over a selection of sandwiches and then a three tier cake stand laden with cakes.

Lucas knew he had to say something to Adam about his behaviour the previous day and began hesitantly, “I’m sorry about what I said ...” and then tailed off. There was no excuse; Adam had just been trying to help him.

“Hey, no worries. I had a talk with Emily Saunders this morning,” Adam stopped, looking directly at Lucas.

“Of course you have to talk about me, that’s her job, that’s your job.” Why could he never get through more than two sentences without flaring up? He forced himself to tense and release his shoulder muscles to give himself some control.

“Don’t forget all this de-brief stuff is new to me, too,” Adam said. “Saunders has lots of experience and she was showing me ways to help without constantly putting my foot in it.”

Lucas bit his lip. Surely it was he who was forever saying the wrong thing, not Adam.

“Which means I shall probably completely fuck up this next bit. However, here goes. We know you don’t want to be asked questions, so I can promise you there will be no questions regarding what happened in Russia. You are free to tell us, but we won’t ask. Also, it’s been made very clear no-one is to tell you what to do, even if it’s only ‘Come and get your dinner’. They can tell you it’s dinner time and provide information that way, but not say anything which could be taken as an order.”

“Am I really that bad?”

“A bit. It’s something to do with the need to re-establish your place within society, or some such twaddle. According to Saunders a lot of it is a question of taking time, rather than any specific help which needs providing. My job, apparently, is to say helpful things like ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day’.”

“I doubt that _will_ help.”

Adam chuckled and then said, “Lucas, slow down. We’ve got plenty of time here. You don’t need to shovel your food in so fast.”

Lucas looked down at his plate. “They’re my cakes and I didn’t want anyone else to eat them, or take them away from me.” He stopped speaking and then added, “Hell, I must sound such a loser.”

“No, you’re not. If you can’t eat them all now, without making yourself sick, we’ll ask for a box and you can take them with you.”

Adam reached out and put his hand on Lucas’. Lucas nodded and forced himself to push his plate slightly further onto the table in acknowledgement.

“I imagine it’s obvious why I do things like this,” Lucas said.

“I can guess.”

“I don’t want to talk about it all. I don’t want to relive it. I want to forget, not that that’s possible. And that’s why I don’t want to de-brief.”

“You don’t have to do any of that. You’re at Richmond Red House because you are a tightly wound spring, which needs to unwind a bit. The aim is to provide you with a safe environment to unwind and to show you some ways of dealing with the inevitable difficulties your experiences will cause you over the next weeks, months and probably years.”

“That’s not the impression Ros gave me.”

“Maybe not, but she left the booking to Malcolm. It’s possible he slightly misinterpreted her request.”

“It sounds like I have more to thank Malcolm for than just my book.”

“You can thank him in person if you like. He’s coming over to see me on Sunday morning. He wasn’t sure whether you’d want to see him, so he left it to me to find out.”

Lucas nodded. “That would be good. He won’t try asking anything, will he?”

“Do you think he’d have arranged for you to come here if that were the case?”

Lucas smiled ruefully. “No, I suppose not. I’m going to have to learn to stop jumping to conclusions every thirty seconds.”

“Rome ...”

“Shut up!”

Adam laughed.

“Actually, there is one thing I need to ask you,” Lucas continued.

“Yes?”

“Saunders is arranging for me to go to the Isle of Wight next weekend. She can sort things so you can come with me, but only if you want to.”

“Would you like me to come?”

“Yes, very much.”

“In which case, I shall be delighted. I haven’t been to the Isle of Wight for years. We took Wes when he was a toddler. He loved playing on the beach, while we froze.”

“We wouldn’t have to spend all our time on the beach, although I would like to paddle.” Lucas stopped and looked at Adam, realising the impracticality.

“Nothing to stop you paddling. There are plenty of proms I can get along. I’m assuming we’ll have someone with us.”

“Yes. Saunders said she’d find someone who could come, which is why we haven’t been able to go today.”

Adam laughed.

“What’s so funny?”

“Your enthusiasm is infectious.”

Lucas was about to reply when he caught sight of Gary entering the tea shop and waved him over.

“Come and join us,” Lucas said.

“Thank you.”

“Just don’t eat any of the cakes, Lucas is taking them home.”

“Good idea.”

The waitress came over and Gary ordered a pot of tea for three and a toasted tea cake for himself.

Once his order had been taken, Gary passed Adam a pair of gloves and then gave a second pair to Lucas. “It’s getting colder, so you might find you want some gloves,” he said. “Or if not, hang on to them; then Adam can use them when challenged by that ward sister.”

The tea arrived and Gary poured it before saying, “Do you have any plans for tomorrow? They’re running a trip to Greenwich if you want to go.”

“Not particularly,” Lucas said. Turning to Adam he asked, “Does that mean we can’t meet tomorrow?”

“It’s the weekend, so there’s nothing scheduled. But as far as I know there’s no reason why we can’t meet.” Adam turned to Gary for confirmation.

“You can do what you like,” he replied. “The only thing is there may not be any staff free to push your chair for you.”

“Would they let me take him?” Lucas asked. “I’ve got gloves!” He waved the gloves Gary had bought earlier.

“I can’t see why not.” Gary said. “I can sort it out when I take Adam back to the ward and let you know what’s been agreed, if you’re both happy with the idea.”

“Sounds good to me,” Adam said.

***

Arrangements having been agreed, Lucas arrived promptly to collect Adam at quarter past two the following afternoon. He listened to the instructions concerning what to do if there was a problem; to make sure Adam stayed warm and what time they had to be back; and then cheerfully pushed Adam out of the building and along the path which led to the main entrance.

“Where are you taking me?” Adam asked.

“I’m escaping,” Lucas replied.

“What?”

“I haven’t been allowed out of the main gates by myself since I arrived. I thought if I took you no-one would follow me.”

“You’re using me as a Trojan horse?”

“They used the horse to get into Troy not out.”

“As a decoy then? Lucas, I know they told you at the beginning of the week they’d follow you if you left, but have you actually said to anyone you’d like to go out by yourself? No doubt if you did a literal runner someone would follow, but I’m pretty sure if you said you were going for a walk, or shopping or whatever, there wouldn’t have been any problem.”

Lucas stopped suddenly. “Oh! I don’t think it even occurred to me I could do so. I’m so sorry, Adam.”

“Does this mean you no longer want to take me out?”

“No, not at all! When I offered yesterday I did it because I wanted to see you. It was only later I got to thinking it would be the perfect escape plan.”

“So, were you going to abandon me at a bus stop?”

“To be honest, I hadn’t got that far. My main aim was getting outside the gates.”

“You’ve achieved that. So, where are we going?”

“Richmond Park?” Lucas paused. “Where would you like to go?”

“The park sounds good to me. We should be able to find a café for a cup of tea. And some more cake if you fancied some.”

Lucas didn’t reply, so Adam added, “Hey, I was only teasing.”

“I know. The thing is, I would like more cake.”

“Excellent. I shall buy you some.”

They made their way through the park, Lucas, as he had done at the zoo, commenting on all they saw: the trees, the birds and the deer.

“You’re enjoying all this, aren’t you?” Adam said.

“Yes,” Lucas replied quietly.

“Shit! That was a question I shouldn’t have asked. I’m sorry, Lucas. Let me rephrase it.” He paused. “I’m enjoying the chance to spend an afternoon with you, in lovely surroundings and seeing so much of nature, instead of being stuck in the centre of London amidst uninspiring buildings.”

“Me, too,” Lucas agreed. “Do you mind me talking about what I’m seeing?”

“Quite the opposite, you’re showing me a lot of things I would miss otherwise.”

They continued through the park to the café where Adam, as promised, bought Lucas a large slice of chocolate cake.

Lucas looked at the cake. “I can’t eat all this. Do you want some?”

“Yes, cut me a bit if you’d like. Make sure you give yourself the larger half.”

“I will. Don’t you worry,” Lucas grinned.

They watched as the leaves began swirling around outside the café.

“It looks like the weather’s taking a turn for the worse,” Adam said. “Would you mind if we headed back? I’d rather not get rained on if I can help it. We can sit in the day room; you won’t have to leave immediately.”

“Of course. Let’s get going.”

***

They had made it back just as the first drops of rain began to fall. The day room had been fairly full, others having had the same idea when the rain started. So they agreed Adam and Malcolm would come over to Lucas’ room the following morning, as the forecast promised more rain.

Lucas still has his door wedged slightly open so he jumped up as soon as he heard voices coming down the corridor and welcomed them in.

Malcolm saw the blackboard and walked across to examine the drawings. “Is this what I think it is?” he asked.

Adam looked, “Yes, it’s deer rutting. We went for a walk in Richmond Park yesterday. Lucas is convinced someone comes in every day to analyse his pictures and is drawing what he thinks they want to see.”

“And are they?”

“Not that I’m aware.”

“And is this connected to the deer in any way?” Malcolm pointed to a large red triangle, roughly the same size as the deer.

“That is my large slice of chocolate cake,” Lucas said. “I don’t have any brown chalk. There is a connection though.”

“The café in the park.”

“Yep!”

Lucas suddenly felt self-conscious and took a couple of steps back from the blackboard. Malcolm must have sensed it, because he turned and said “I’m glad you liked the book. I don’t know much about Blake, so I hoped it was what you were after.”

“It’s perfect. I’m very grateful to you for getting it for me.”

“That’s not a problem. You must let me know if there’s anything else you want.”

“I keep thinking of things I’ve missed, but nothing that would really make a difference. I suppose there were times when I thought ‘when I get back I must get this book or that CD’ but I don’t want to try to remember.”

“Didn’t you like those medieval mysteries set in Italy? I’m sure there’s been a couple issued recently. I could get them for you.”

“Thank you,” Lucas said. “I’d like that. But I don’t want to put you to any trouble.”

“Since when have I ever needed an excuse to go to a bookshop?”

Lucas and Adam both laughed. “Ah yes,” Adam said, “Two books for Lucas and three for Malcolm!”

***

Lucas had started sleeping in the bed at nights, but when he woke the following morning he found he was lying on the camping mattress. Wearily he dragged his duvet back onto the bed and lay down. He didn’t feel like getting up, although he knew it was breakfast time. He had been told it was up to him how he spent his time in Richmond Red House, so he decided to try it out.

He picked up the phone and when the voice at the other end said, “Good morning, Lucas,” he said firmly “I’m not getting up today” and slammed the receiver down again, before settling back down under the duvet. He waited to see what the response would be.

He didn’t have to wait long before there was a knock on the door and Jason called out, “Can I come in?”

“Yes, all right.”

Jason entered and brought the mug of tea he was carrying over to Lucas, who smiled and thanked him for it.

“Are you feeling unwell?” Jason asked.

“Um no. I just don’t want to get up. Adam said I could do what I wanted.”

“Of course you can. I was only asking in case you’d got a headache or something; I’d have got you some painkillers in that case.”

“Actually, I still feel tired. And I woke up on the mattress. Did anyone come in to me in the night?”

“There’s nothing to say they did, so you can’t have been shouting very much. They wouldn’t have noticed if you’d just been restless, but that would account for why you moved in the night – and why you feel tired now.”

“I don’t remember anything. Well, nothing specific; there’s always a kind of dull mental ache when I wake up, a sort of mix of dreams and memories, which I push to one side during the day.”

Jason nodded. “I’m no expert, but it makes sense to me. In the meantime, why don’t you get some more kip and then decide if you still want to stay in bed all day. And don’t worry about breakfast; we can always get you some toast or cereal later, to tide you over until lunch.”

Lucas finished his tea and returned the mug to Jason. “Thank you. That sounds like a good plan.”

He lay down and waited until Jason had left the room before closing his eyes. The idea of lazing in bed and watching day time television had a certain appeal; he’d just doze for ten minutes and then find something mind-numbing to watch.

Three hours later he woke up, wanting his breakfast and realising if he was going to see Adam in the afternoon he really ought to get dressed.

***

“I wasn’t sure you’d make it this afternoon,” Adam said with a smile as Lucas entered the ward day room that afternoon. The weather remained wet and they were no longer able to meet outdoors.

“I didn’t want to miss seeing you,” Lucas replied. “Do we have to stay here or is there anywhere else we can go?”

“There are some small rooms which are designated ‘meeting rooms’ but they are impersonal and you might find them a bit claustrophobic. I’ve also been told there are alcoves in the long corridor where people can sit and chat. They’re not private, but it would be more secluded than staying here.”

Lucas was glad Adam hadn’t suggested they go back to his room. He wasn’t entirely sure of his reasoning, but he did know he wanted to keep what could be described as his formal meetings with Adam separate from the informal ones.

Lucas pushed Adam down the long corridor until they found an alcove to their liking. Once settled Lucas said, “Do we have to talk about me, or are we allowed to discuss what’s happening to you?”

“We can talk about whatever we like,” Adam said. He outlined the treatment he was receiving and mentioned his own rehabilitation. His words were upbeat, but Lucas could sense Adam too was struggling to come to terms with how he would fit back into MI5. There were plenty of openings available to him, but he would no longer be able to experience the rush of adrenalin propelling him into physical action.

As Adam talked Lucas realised how fragile his own emotions were. His one goal on his return had been to resume his place in Section D and prove he was still capable of doing his old job. The previous week had shown him how many small things could trigger a reaction in him. He knew he wasn’t in a position to go into the field when there was a risk he could endanger either himself or those with him.

Adam had been speaking of an assessor who was coming to talk to him and suggest areas where his skills would be valuable and where he would enjoy working.

“Do you think this assessor would see me as well?” Lucas asked.

Adam looked at him. “I’m sure he would, although I’m not convinced the more formal question and answer process he’ll employ would be the best way forward for you at the moment.”

Lucas’ face fell.

“But I know who would be ideal. Malcolm already knows you and he has an excellent knowledge of everything that’s going on. Have coffee with him, go and raid a bookshop with him, and see what he has to say.”

Lucas grinned. “He’s spoken to you hasn’t he?”

“He might have mentioned there was a post available which would ideally suit someone of your calibre.”

“So, moving forward not looking back?”

“I think that sums up life for the pair of us, don’t you?”

Lucas looked curiously at Adam. Had he just heard a hint there might be a future for the two of them together? If he had then things were definitely moving forward.

 


	3. Moving On

The next few days passed quickly. Lucas managed a trip to the swimming pool, although he did little actual swimming; most of the time was spent splashing around with Shorty and a few of the others in the shallow end until an instructor came over to arrange a game of water volleyball. After which they continued to splash around, but in an organised fashion.

Thursday morning, Lucas met with Malcolm. It was raining heavily so Jason drove him to the train station. As he walked down onto the platform Lucas realised he was on his own. He looked round, half expecting Jason to have parked the car and be following him. He hadn’t and Lucas had a sudden thought he could go anywhere he wanted. That idea he rapidly dismissed, since he was keen to meet Malcolm, and he was coming to accept he didn’t need to use every opportunity the second it became available.

Lucas reached the bookshop before Malcolm and started to browse the books. He was happily selecting various books on medieval history when he heard a chuckle behind him. He turned and smiled at Malcolm.

“Nice to see someone who shares my enthusiasm for books,” Malcolm said.

“It’s difficult to choose,” Lucas replied, “every time I think I know which to get I spot something else.”

“I know the feeling. Shall we go and get a coffee and you can come back afterwards? You might have come to a decision by then. Do you have to be back by a certain time?”

“Not really. Lunch is at one, but if I don’t have to be back for it. Um, I normally meet Adam just after two and it would be good if we could meet today – we’re off to the Isle of Wight tomorrow.”

“I remember, you mentioned the trip when I saw you at the weekend.”

By this point they had reached the coffee shop. Malcolm said, “If you can grab us a table, I’ll get the coffees in. I think I’ll have some flapjack too. Do you want something?”

“Yes please. Can I have a muffin?”

Malcolm carried the tray over to the table and while he was unloading the mugs said, “I gather you’d like to discuss possibilities within MI5.”

“Yes. I’m not sure I want to go back to Section D, at least not yet. Adam said you might have some suggestions.”

“There’s a couple of places I think you’d fit, but one in particular might suit you down to the ground.” Malcolm proceeded to outline the job, and as he did so Lucas began to smile. “I gather from your reaction I was right in my assessment,” Malcolm concluded.

“Oh, yes, that would be ideal,” Lucas replied. “But are they likely to want me? You know I’m probably not the most stable person at the moment.”

“Strangely enough, I think that should work in your favour. After Adam told me you were looking at alternatives to Section D I made some enquiries and if you are interested then they could meet you next Tuesday morning.”

Lucas looked shocked.

“Of course, there’s no problem if you want to deliberate for longer,” Malcolm continued.

“No, I’d be happy to meet them. I’m just not sure how good I’ll be in an interview at the moment.”

“So long as you don’t walk out when one of them asks if you want tea or coffee I think you’ll be okay.”

Lucas grinned and nodded. “I’m getting quite good at answering that one, along with ‘do you want peas or carrots?’”

“And what do you answer to that?”

“Both. Of course!”

***

That afternoon Lucas and Adam went to their usual alcove. They normally started with some general chat before Adam let Lucas steer the conversation in whichever direction he fancied. Today, however, Lucas was reluctant to begin anything. He sat in silence, aware Adam was looking out of the window rather than pressurising him to speak.

Then Adam leaned over and took Lucas’ hand. “Is everything all right?” he asked gently.

“Yes, it is. Really it is,” Lucas said, “Only I don’t want to talk about it. I suppose I ought to.”

Adam smiled at him. “You know I’m not going to insist you talk about anything you don’t want to. I don’t need to know anything about your time with Malcolm and he won’t tell me either.”

“Thank you. Oh, it went well ...” Lucas tailed off, he wasn’t sure why, other than it was something positive he wanted to hug to himself for a little longer.

“Good.” Adam was still holding Lucas’ hand and he gave it a squeeze. “I’m glad.”

They continued to sit in silence until Adam said, “I met Will today, who’s going to be coming to the Isle of Wight with us. He seems a nice guy, quiet but efficient. He tells me the apartment which has been booked looks very comfortable.”

“I’m so looking forward to this trip,” Lucas said. “It’s going to be ...” He paused. “You must think I’m ridiculous getting so excited.”

“No I don’t. I’m delighted you’ve got things to be excited about after so long. I bet you’ve got a long list of things you’d like to do while we’re there. Why don’t you tell me them?”

Lucas didn’t need any further encouragement and launched into all the possibilities. Adam grinned at him and the rest of the afternoon passed in easy companionship.

***

Lucas didn’t sleep well Thursday night. They were due to leave at ten, which gave time for Adam to get ready. Will had been to see him the previous evening to introduce himself and see if there was anything Lucas wanted them to take. Lucas had liked the man; Adam may have found him reserved, but his demeanour suited Lucas and he thought they would get on well together.

Only now Lucas was sitting on his bed, arms round his knees, howling. He didn’t know why and he couldn’t stop. He’d heard other prisoners howl when they’d come to the end of their tether, and watched hopelessly as the guards had dragged them away, when those around them had failed to silence them. And now it was happening to him.

He heard the door open, footsteps crossing the floor of his room and felt the bed sink as someone sat down beside him. Then he felt strong arms around him and he was being pulled into a hug. Part of him wished this was Adam, but he knew that was impossible. Then he heard Jason saying quietly, “Hey, hey, what’s all this about?”

Lucas whispered, “I don’t know. I can’t stop.”

Jason continued to hold him, whilst rubbing his back and gently rocking him. Slowly he calmed. Once Lucas had stopped sobbing, Jason reached across to the phone and said, “Can we have a couple of cups of tea, please.”

By the time the tea arrived, a few minutes later, Lucas was sufficiently composed to sit normally on the bed and Jason had moved to the armchair. They drank the tea in silence, while Lucas thought about what he should say.

Tentatively he began, “A few days ago Adam told me I was a tightly wound spring which needed to unwind a bit. I think the spring just broke.”

Jason smiled at him, “Maybe it just expanded rather faster than you expected. That can happen when the pressure holding the spring in place is suddenly removed. I have a theory, although it’s probably not my place to share it.”

Lucas gave him a watery smile. “I’d like to hear it.”

“You know when you try to fill a number of small bottles from a much larger container; it can be done but it needs to be done slowly and carefully. Trying to do it quickly means at least half the liquid misses the bottle and flows down the sides. I think that’s what you’re experiencing. Lots of positive things have happened in the last couple of days and instead of being able to take one thing at a time and slowly, you’ve been overcome by the deluge.”

“That makes sense. You’re right – and I haven’t really got past the stage of grabbing all the good things and holding them as tightly as possible before they get taken away again.”

Jason nodded. “Still, no harm done. A few more tears shed, but better now than later. And yes, before you say anything, you’ll be fine this weekend. Will’s a good bloke; he’ll take care of you. And if he does happen to suggest taking a break, maybe try and listen to him.”

“I’ll try, but I can’t promise anything.”

“I know, mate. Anyway, it’s about time you got yourself ready. Give me your mug and I’ll drop them back to the kitchen. And have a great weekend.”

“Thank you. Will I see you before I finish here? I’m due to leave on Monday.”

“Oh yes, I’ll be here Monday morning.”

“Good! I’ll bring you a present back then.”

***

Lucas sat in the back of the car with Adam, while Will drove. They talked quietly for a while before Lucas found his head nodding.

“Would you mind if I had a short nap?” he asked. “I didn’t sleep very well last night.”

“Of course not. I’m happy watching the scenery.”

Some while later Lucas woke to find Adam shaking him gently. “What’s up?” he asked. “What’s happened?”

“It’s all right, it’s nothing major. I thought you’d like to know we’re at Portsmouth harbour.”

“Oh no. I’m sorry, Adam. I didn’t mean to sleep so long.”

“That’s not a problem; you obviously needed it.”

Lucas grinned ruefully. “Thank you for the use of your shoulder.”

“My pleasure, mate.”

***

The crossing was calm and the drive to their weekend apartment didn’t take long. Will helped Adam inside, whilst Lucas carried their bags.

Will said, “Saunders’ assistant arranged for the kitchen to be stocked with sufficient basics for the weekend. I need to check some of Adam’s dressings and then I’ll come and do a late lunch for us.”

“I can do lunch,” Lucas replied. “You see to Adam.” He went into the kitchen to check what had been provided. “Soup and rolls do everyone? And do you want tea or coffee?”

“Sounds good to me,” Adam called out in reply. “One coffee and one tea. No sugar in either.”

Lucas felt slightly guilty. He’d been so excited about having a weekend away he hadn’t really thought about how much care Adam would need. He knew Will had come along to assist, but in his mind that had only been for pushing the wheelchair and some physical assistance. Adam had told him the extent of his injuries, and if Lucas had paused long enough he would have realised his wounds still needed regular treatment.

Lucas was quiet as they ate their lunch, until Adam said, “Is everything all right?”

“Yes, I just hadn’t thought.” Lucas glanced at Adam’s leg and then up at his face, realising Adam looked paler than usual.

Adam reached over and took Lucas’ hand. “It’s okay. You’re here to enjoy yourself, not worry about me.”

Lucas squeezed Adam’s hand in response. “Even so, I don’t want to be selfish. You look pretty tired. And it can’t have been comfortable having me leaning on you all the way down.”

“Seriously, it wasn’t a problem.”

Lucas gave Adam a considered look. He realised they’d never met in the mornings and, although he knew Adam had been doing some physiotherapy, he had probably also had a chance to rest which he wouldn’t have had the chance to do that day.

“I’d been going to suggest we went for a walk along by the beach,” Lucas said, “But if you would prefer we don’t go I’ll understand.”

“You and Will go. I’ll be quite happy here on the sofa. I can doze in front of a repeat of _Midsomer Murders_ ,” Adam replied.

Will nodded, “That’s fine by me.”

“I can go by myself,” Lucas said sounding slightly affronted.

“Humour me,” Will replied. “I really don’t want to be phoning Emily Saunders to say we last saw you heading along the beach towards the sunset. And I wouldn’t mind some fresh air.”

Lucas looked at Will and grinned. “Fair enough. And you did do all the driving. If you’re happy about leaving Adam on his own...”

“I promise not to set fire to the place in your absence,” Adam retorted.

***

Quarter of an hour later Lucas and Will made their way to the beach, which was conveniently close to the apartment. They walked along the sand in companionable silence until Lucas sat down, took off his shoes and socks and rolled the legs of his jeans up.

“Since I’m not planning on paddling,” Will said, “Shall I carry your shoes for you?”

Lucas thanked him and then made his way into the sea. As he had expected it was cold, but after a couple of minutes he had grown used to it. He revelled in the feel of his bare feet on the sand, with the waves lapping round his ankles. Feeling bolder he walked slightly further in and then began walking back the way they had come. He turned to call Will a coward for not braving the sea and failed to notice a larger wave heading towards him.

He let out a groan as the wave covered his knees. Will laughed and Lucas had started to shout something rude in reply, when a second wave splashed high on the backs of his thighs. Lucas swore, but couldn’t help laughing as well. He splashed his way along until level with the point at which they’d come onto the beach. He then dripped his way across the sand and the two of them walked back to the apartment.

Once there, Will said, “If you stay by the door I’ll get you a towel.”

As Will crossed the living room, Lucas heard Adam say, “Is everything okay?”

“Oh yes,” Will replied, “Canute’s had a bit of a problem with the waves again!”

***

Once Lucas had changed Will said, “Do you want to go out to eat, or shall I get a take away?”

Lucas and Adam looked at each other. “Take away,” Adam said.

“I fancy Chinese,” Lucas said.

“We passed a Chinese on the way here,” Adam said, “So that will be easy.”

“Chinese it is then,” Will said. “Do you have any particular requests?”

“Set menu for three should be fine,” Adam said.

“With extra prawn crackers,” Lucas added.

“And can you get us all some beer as well?” Adam said. “I’ll give you the money.”

After they had eaten, Lucas and Adam sat on the sofa together, and Will took one of the armchairs. They switched the television on, but quickly tired of it and sat chatting together.

Lucas enjoyed the sensation of happiness. It didn’t feel the same as he’d had since his return from Russia – sharp, brittle sparks of happiness, always with the underlying dread something would shatter it. This was much more peaceful. This was happiness which felt as though it would stay.

Lucas woke to find Adam nudging him. “Wake up sleepy head,” Adam said. “Will needs to help me to bed. And while I don’t mind sitting here with you, I don’t want to force Will to miss out on his beauty sleep; he needs all he can get.”

There was a snort from the kitchen. Will emerged, carrying three mugs of cocoa.

Lucas stood up, stretched and took one of the mugs from Will. “Thanks, Will,” he said. “I’m off to bed. I’ll leave you two to your beauty sleep, although I doubt it’ll make any difference!”

Lucas went into his bedroom. He felt relaxed and happy and more settled than he had thought would be possible.

***

Lucas woke in the early hours. He looked around, initially failing to recognise where he was. He reached out and his arm hit an unfamiliar wall. It was dark, too dark, and there was no sound. Something in his head was saying ‘you just need to open the door’. He stumbled across the room and pulled hard at the door, terrified it would be locked. The door opened and he saw a sliver of light falling across the sitting room of their apartment. Lucas breathed a sigh of relief, remembering where he was.

He couldn’t face going back to bed, worried that when he lay down the sense of panic would return. Instead he gathered up the duvet, wrapped it around himself and curled up on the sofa.

He woke again to the sound of mugs being moved in the kitchen. He opened his eyes to see Will making tea.

“Morning,” Lucas mumbled sleepily.

“Hi,” Will replied, “I’m sorry if I woke you. Do you want a cup of tea?”

“You didn’t. And yes please.”

Lucas sat up and accepted the mug of tea.

“Do you want to take Adam’s tea through to him?” Will asked. “I can grab a quick shower and then help him get up before I cook some breakfast.”

“Sure,” Lucas said. “Actually, I was wondering if I could go for a run? That is if I’m allowed out on my own.”

Will laughed. “Yes, of course you are. Were you thinking of going while Adam gets up? It will take about half an hour.”

“If that’s okay.”

“Sounds like a good idea.”

***

Lucas enjoyed his run along the beach, although he refrained from paddling again. He arrived back looking windswept and happy and was greeted by Adam, who said Will was about to start cooking breakfast which meant Lucas had time for a shower and wouldn’t have to inflict his sweaty body on them.

After breakfast Will drove to Sandown, where they made their way along the prom, ate fish and chips and went onto the pier in the afternoon. Lucas had a go on the shooting range, winning a large cuddly panda, which he gave to Adam to carry while he ate his candy floss.

On the drive back to the apartment Will asked them what they wanted to do in the evening.

“Let’s get take away again,” Adam said.

“Pizza!” Lucas called.

“There’s some jazz music in one of the pubs in the town, if you don’t want to go out, I was wondering whether you’d mind me going. Of course, if there’s anything you want to do, I’ll be happy to take you.”

“I don’t want to do anything much this evening,” Adam said. “But I don’t want to stop you from doing something, Lucas. I’m sure there must be loads of things you still want to do.”

“I’d be happy to stay in with you,” Lucas answered. “So, Will, go and enjoy the jazz.”

“Thank you,” Will replied. “I’ll need to dress your wounds, Adam, and after that I’ll go and get the pizza.”

“No need for that. Lucas, would you mind getting the pizza?” Adam said.

“Of course. I presume I need to get beer as well? It’s my turn to buy it.”

***

After they’d eaten, Lucas and Adam settled on the sofa together again. They waved Will off, reassuring him they would be fine on their own and promising to contact him if there were any problems.

They talked in a desultory fashion for a while, moving closer to each other all the time, until finally Adam leaned over and pulled Lucas into a hug. Lucas responded in kind and looked up into Adam’s eyes. He leaned forward and they began to kiss, Adam moving his hands around the back of Lucas’ head, both of them moaning happily.

Lucas pulled Adam’s t-shirt up and started to run his hands along Adam’s back and push his fingers below his waist band.

Abruptly Adam pulled back. Lucas leaped off the sofa, pushing his hands in his jeans’ pockets as he did so. Blindly he turned towards his bedroom door.

Adam called out, “Lucas! Wait! Just listen to me.”

Lucas turned, trying furiously to contain his emotions, but continuing to move towards his room.

“Please, Lucas, stop! If you go into your room I can’t follow you.” The anguish in Adam’s voice forced Lucas to look at him.

He swallowed, then muttered, “I’m not coming back to you.”

“That’s okay, just, please, stay in the room.”

Lucas walked to the armchair and then curled up in it, his arms around his knees. He couldn’t cope with the flood of emotions which was engulfing him. He thought he’d passed the point of total collapse, but now it seemed to be back again. He had started to love Adam and he had thought Adam loved him back. He was sure all the signs had been there, but maybe after eight years of being alternately hated and ignored, he had misread them. Miserably he forced himself to listen to Adam.

“I love you,” Adam began, “and I don’t want to hurt you.”

Lucas didn’t bother to look up. Why look at someone who was breaking your heart?

“I want to get closer to you, I truly do, but I don’t think either of us is ready for that yet.”

“Why not?” Lucas tried to put anger into his words, but they just sounded miserable to him.

“I’m not going to put you in a position you regret because you are still emotionally vulnerable.”

“Which, once again, I’ve proved.” The anger was there now, but it felt all wrong, as if he was blaming Adam for his own problems.

“Rome,” muttered Adam.

Lucas wanted to glare at Adam, but found he was smiling slightly, despite himself. “I’ve told you not to say that!”

Adam gave a small smile back, relaxing a little. “Plus I haven’t yet mastered my physical limitations.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“You didn’t and I know you wouldn’t. But my physiotherapy hasn’t got as far as how to make mad passionate love.”

“We’d manage.”

“I’m sure we would, but I’d like to be a bit more confident before we try anything more than kissing and cuddling.”

Lucas let go of his legs and sat forward. “You love me?”

“I love you.”

Suddenly he was filled with doubt as to what to do. He wanted to kiss Adam and yet he needed to process everything. He’d learned what happened when his still battered emotions became overwhelmed and he wasn’t sure how to respond.

Fortunately Adam must have understood, because he said, “Do you think you could make us both some cocoa? And there’s a half bottle of brandy in my bag, which Will packed for me. I’m sure we could use it to improve the flavour.”

Happy to have something to do for a few minutes, Lucas made the cocoa and then rejoined Adam on the sofa. Tentatively he leaned towards the other man, only to find he was pulled into a bear hug and plastered with kisses.

***

The sound of footsteps across the apartment floor woke Lucas. He opened his eyes to see Will grinning at them.

“Is everything okay?” Will asked.

“Yes,” Lucas replied, “I think we both put a generous slug of the brandy in the cocoa.”

Will picked up one of the mugs and smelled the contents. “Sounds plausible,” he said.

The conversation had also woken Adam, who was looking rather blearily at them. “What?” he muttered.

“Your cocoa seems to have been 40% proof,” Will said.

“Thought it tasted good.” Adam groaned and started to stretch, sticking his elbow in Lucas’ ribs as he did so.

Lucas laughed and stood up. “Okay, I get the message! I think I’ll go to bed. Do you need any help?”

“No, we can manage,” Will answered. “Sleep well!”

***

The following morning, having packed up the car, they took one final walk along the prom. Lucas looked longingly at the sea.

Adam said, “Go on. We know you want to paddle again. Leave your shoes with us.”

“Try not to get your trousers wet,” Will added. “I don’t want to unload the car again to find you some dry clothes.”

“Yes, mum!” Lucas replied. “I’ll walk along the sea line; there’s hardly any waves at the moment.”

Lucas paddled along, taking the opportunity of the quiet to reflect on the past two weeks. He’d come a long way in that time, although it had often been a case of two steps forward and one step back. If nothing else he was learning to recognise what was happening to him, even if he couldn’t always do anything about it.

A shout from Will alerted him to the fact the other two were turning round. He did the same, his thoughts turning at the same time from the past to the future. He had much to look forward to. He knew it wouldn’t be easy; he recognised now how unrealistic he had been in imagining he could slot straight back into the life he’d had before. And he was aware there would continue to be setbacks.

Adam had asked him what he intended to do with the panda and had looked surprised when Lucas had told him he was keeping it. He hadn’t felt sufficiently confident to tell Adam he had named it the Panda of Progress. Once again he’d woken up in the night, and putting a hand out he’d felt the panda, which he’d left by his bedside. The feel of the soft toy had reminded him of what the previous day had meant and the reassurance he was starting his new life had allowed him to quickly fall back asleep.

He had been walking slowly, and looking up realised the others were waving at him to catch up. With some reluctance he left the sea, vowing he would return, and sprinted across the sand to join Adam and Will in order to head back to the mainland.

 


End file.
